1 April 2014
I’m sorry to say that I lied to you. I told you, about two or three days ago, that the Universe wasn’t a kind place. This isn’t true. When I said that, what I meant was that God wasn’t kind, and this is DEFINITELY NOT true. The truth is that God has been VERY kind to me. That was just the depression talking… the depression not having the energy to think about and feel any gratitude for all my blessings.
However, this conversation has bothered me for the past three days. I think that I realized that what I was saying wasn’t true, even as I said it, and the more that I’ve let it go is the worse that I’ve felt. I found that I couldn’t talk to God last night when I wanted to, and it was when I realized why that was, that I began to remember all of the good times that God and I have shared, and how generous He has been with me.
I remember now, how he’s saved my life on so many occasions, from illness, from motor vehicle accidents and from sure disaster at work! I’m sure that neither Stan nor that coconut vendor will ever forget how I stepped back, in front of that speeding bus at Castleton, and how it missed me by a single centimetre. I know that I will never forget how I missed hitting down, and possibly killing, an old lady, a young boy and a group of Rastafari vendors peddling their wares, when my car got out of control in the crowded parking lot of the Premier Plaza. I knew for sure that I was going to die as I saw my car arc, in reverse, on its way toward the torrent of traffic on the Constant Spring Road. I still haven’t been able to give sufficient thanks that relatively, nothing happened: three cars and a building were damaged, but no lives were lost, no injuries sustained. Beyond this, I’ll definitely remember, until the day I die, how much joy He has brought into my life here in my beautiful little Jamaica with my family, friends and beloved pets.
So yes, I can’t deny it, I do have some very great disappointments in life, but I have experienced unparalleled joy too. It would be less than gracious of me; greedy and eschewing my particular spiritual gifts, for me to concentrate on those sad moments. I can’t lie anymore, though: I have tried to keep my angst bottled-up so that I’m not responsible for despair in anyone else. I have done that instead of dealing with it responsibly. This has resulted in the tantrum that I experienced while speaking with you three days ago. For this, I am sorry.
You asked me, once, if I were sure that I hadn’t been spoiled as a child. I’d said that I hadn’t. The truth is that I was spoiled; though not by my parents. I was spoiled by God giving me so much treasure in my storehouse in this life and so I began to think that He and I had the kind of relationship where I could ask for anything and expect to get it. He’s teaching me that this assumption is not true, but that it does not really change anything between Him and me. Our relationship is still a very special one, but He’s not a malfunctioning ATM machine, and I’ll just have to live with that.